Color

our friend, Mr. Roy G. Biv

red

Red light is the slowest, biggest light wave in the visible spectrum. It just lazes around, bumping into things. Since it’s so slow, it’s perfect to make things just barely visible and not draw attention to itself, just like in every sci-fi movie. Yes, it means danger as in do not expect it to do much or be too active. Slovenly, actually. It excels at giving just enough light to recognize our prurient desires, lustfully illuminating (just) the deepest carnal desires we all carry around with us through our lives. It's a lazy, lumbering oaf, too, incapable or unwilling to carry much data. You'd be tired, too, if your wavelengths were as big as buildings.

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Orange

Red’s buddy, Orange is a pretty laid-back color. No major disturbances. Kinda like that affable jock you knew in high school; a little awkward but OK.(Un)fortunately, its only real affiliations are the fruit and Halloween. Besides being a secondary color in every meaning of the word, it really doesn’t have a lot of cultural play in our society. Nobody looks good in orange lighting and it makes me think of Vitamin C.Also, there’s some weirdness with the House of Orange in the Netherlands.Just sayin’

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Yellow

Wow. This color is a two-timing son of a bitch. Cheerful and sunny. Bullshit. Yellow is all about treachery, deceit and falsehoods. Yellow is juane in French (see: jaundiced). Bile is an unholy shade of it. Yellow is the kind of color that gets you pumped up about something and then says “jus’ kidding, broham.” Yellow-bellied. Yellow journalism. The Yellow Wallpaper. Ain’t invited it to my next party.

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Green

There's not a lot to be said for green. Stable, smack dab in the middle of the visible spectrum. Normal, total C average. Green’s the type of guy who goes to Lions Club meetings in the suburbs, drives a minivan and considers Italian cuisine exotic.Granted, we have our very lives to thank for this bore of a color. Plants reflect it and it makes us happy thinking that green = natural.O, and it means wealth (see: greenback). And second to orange, no one is flattered to be seen in it. And it’s the color your mucus is when you’re sick.

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Blue

It’s a very well-meaning and attractive color. It complements just about everything without domineering. An attractive lady or gentleman who carefully escorts the more rambunctious colors, guiding them through their mistakes.Careful, though, blue is a very calming color, the visible spectrum becomes more energetic with blue’s entry. Lightwaves start speeding up, their amplitudes heighten and troughs deepen. It carries far more data than red (see: Blu Ray DVDs) Blue is when things start to get intense.All this technical talk means nothing to Blue. It is regal and rare.

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Indigo

Petulant, brooding and definitely does not want to be bothered, especially by YOU. It sits, alone, with a cocktail in one hand and ashing its cigarette on your carpet, sighing just loudly enough to be heard. It's also a snob, repeatedly bloviating to anyone within earshot that it was once only worn by royalty. We've heard it a thousand times, OK, Indigo? Now you're the color of pedestrian jeans. We hate indigo.

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Violet

Dynamite with a laser beam. This color is a bastard. Stone cold.FUN VIOLET FACT: This color's extreme cousin, ultraviolet CAN KILL YOU. This mofo does not play. It causes sunburn when it's nice and playful. It is used to kill viruses. It will weaken your immune system, blind you and rearrange your DNA.

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